Clouds Gather - Cancer Cat Episode 1

After watching and wondering what was going on with a bump on the side of Neelix's face, which was tender to the touch, I took him to the shopping mall vet that was open late on Friday. Their behavior should have clued me in that it was not good. They gave me a week's worth of antibiotics and warned me Neelix would probably need to be sedated and the bump examined. Maybe it was a dental problem. He was so furious about having the bump touched, about being in the sterile room, that he clawed my arms until they bled. He hissed all the way home. He normally tolerates car rides better than that.

I wish that was true now, that it was just a dental problem. After another two weeks, and the antibiotic making no change, I went to who is now becoming my most trusted vet. I took a day off from work to have an appointment during the calm daytime hours, not the crazy evening clinics two nights a week. They said surgery. They said $500.

So I brought him back a few days later. He was not happy. I had to leave him. They kept him all day. He hissed all the way back home. His face looked like they had just extracted with a needle some of whatever was in the bump. That was Nov. 8. The results came back Nov. 13. He had cancer. Nasal adenocarcinoma, and immediately my stomach tightened. Can it be cured? No. If you've got cancer, it is always there, just waiting. You buy time. Time is expensive to buy and the treatment is as grueling as the disease. It's just a matter of choosing how Neelix should die, and I have no idea when he will die from it naturally, so how will I ever know if the investment in care actually added time or not? It is one giant unknown. The only thing for sure is it will cost money. And Neelix will not like it.

Just finding out what treatment will entail and how much it will cost costs $200. That's how much an oncologist charges for a introductory examination.

This is the valley of the shadow of death and it is suffocating. I feel like I can't be happy about anything until this story is over. I feel guilty about anything I buy, thinking, maybe I should have spent that money on trying to save Neelix.

The vet recommended a support group that provides funding for cancer pets, but the application is daunting. I would have to pay for the first visit with the specialist to get the treatment plan. The specialist would have to be willing to provide me with all kinds of lab tests and paperwork. I have to give this organization all my financial data. We probably make too much money, and the fact that we owe too much money is our fault. Then I would have to volunteer 10 hours a month for a year for the organization. I don't have a problem with that except that I would be volunteering for a pets with cancer organization; I would be immersed in the despair of not only my situation, but everyone else coming to this organization for help. It would be hours spent separated from my own dying pet.

I don't know how strong I can be. It's already so hard, so unbearable, and this is only the beginning.